Look. As far as I see it, we’ve already all won the most important race of our lives. And we beat out millions to win.
So, congratulations, you’ve already made it farther than most. Consider yourself a winner! #1! The best of the best ...

I’m talking about the great mass start swim race to fertilize the egg and become a zygote, and eventually become the glorious person you are today.
If you’re reading this, you’re a natural born swimmer. Of course, some of us can wiggle our flagellum a bit better than others. Lap swimmers.

It has been two years since I last swam. Two years!
Today is my first day back in the water. Time to rehydrate my gills and unfurl my dorsal fin. In honor of this glorious day I am reposting ‘Strange Denizens of the Pool.’ Enjoy!

Strange Denizens of the Pool

I have been a competitive swimmer since I was 5-years-old. I started surfing when I was 7-years-old. I lettered three years in Water Polo and four years in swimming in High School. As a senior, I went to the Junior Olympic Qualifier. I didn't qualify, but I did OK. In triathlons, I routinely come out of the water with the pros. My PR in the Ironman swim (2.4 miles) is 59:41, and that was on cruise mode. Needless to say, I can swim very well.

Slowtwitch triathlon forum has a thread that has been around for a few years now on "The Strange Denizens of the Pool." The 'elitist type' swimmers have names for some 'oddities' of people that frequent the pool. Anyone who has spent any amount of time at a gym pool will have seen some of these people.

If you’re not a swimmer, so you know, there is pool etiquette and rules for lap swimming.

1. If a lane is open, take that one.
2. If all lanes are taken, ask to join the lane.
3. Join the lane of your swim speed, i.e. slow, medium, fast, etc... .
4. If there are two of you, split the lane. If there are three or more, circle swim.
5. Obvious - be polite.

Anyway, here is how the post starts:

"Been swimming at the local YMCA lately in the mornings, and I have noticed certain species of pool users. I'm not dissing any of them...I am sure they all have their reasons for doing what they are doing, and I certainly don't begrudge them using the pool...I just find what they do interesting.

The weirdest one is "Deep End Guy"...he was there this morning...he just sort of hangs out underwater near the bottom of the deep end. He pops up occasionally at random spots like a seal poking his head out of the water. He was there when I arrived at 0630, and still doing this when I left 40 minutes later. I am very curious as to the reason he does this...or maybe he just digs it, who knows?

Then there are the "Walker Ladies"...they like to walk back and forth across the unlaned section of the pool at a snail's pace. What's pretty freaky is that most of them of are fairly large, and when I get the to shallow end, the current they have created pushes me right across my lane.

"50 Yard Guy"...this dude's workout consists completely of 50 yard intervals, followed by what seems to be one minute+ of rest. Now, he looks really good in the water, and kicks my butt when I try to keep up with him on his 50 yard interval, but he must have a helluva base to do so little actual swimming. I've never seen him go longer than two lengths, ever.

Also noticed a couple of weeks ago..."Lots of Splash and Flailing, No Forward Progress Guy"...this dude puts out a rooster tail worthy of a hydroplane racer...you can barely see him for the water that is erupting around him...but he is barely moving. He generally goes one length, rests for about 2 minutes, and then is off in an explosion of water.


So, over the years people have added to this list their own strange denizens. Here are just a few of them I have seen:

1.
"Goggles Guy" He swims one length (not even a full lap), pops up, pulls his goggles off, checks them, puts them back on, and swims another length, then repeat. The length of his goggle inspection increases based on the number of people waiting for open lanes. He also seems to lose his hearing when anyone approaches his lane to ask him to share.

2.
"Equipment Guy" He/she arrives at the pool deck with a duffle bag of goodies - from two pairs of fins, two paddles, three bottles of some energy drink and four extra googles.

3.
"Ultra Fast Kicker Girl" She does her kick drills faster than you can do your freestyle sprints.

4.
"Weird Stroke Old Guy"...this is (usually) an older gentleman who is doing some sort of inverted back stroke in the water...laying on his back and doing some sorta frog kick and rowing with his arms. He manages to take up an entire lane with this stroke, and nobody ever asks to share his lane 'cause you'd probably get a concussion from one of his froggie kicks.

5.
"Singing Guy" He's a Korean war vet ( I think) and sings 30's and 40's era oldies NON STOP in the locker room before and after his swim.

6.
"First in the Water Guy" Every morning he is the first guy in the pool, swimming the first lane under water every time.

7.
"Inappropriate / Unfortunately Colored Suit Guy" the one whose swimsuit most closely resembles his skin tone, making him appear to be swimming naked.

8.
"Anti-Social Guy" He will wait for an hour for a lane of his own, and if anyone else asks to get in, he either says no or gets out and waits for the next open lane.

9.
"Pregnant Guy" a man with a gut so large you'd think he was pregnant.

10.
"Newspaper in the Hot Tub Guy" reads his Sunday paper and does the crossword in the hot tub.

11.
"Ambiguously Gay Duo" two very buff young men who always swim together. Always.

12.
"Refuse to Split the Lane Guy" He'll gladly share the lane with you but will only circle swim, NOT split the lane, even if it is just the two of you, becuase, "if other people want to come in, it's against the rules". He is ALWAYS 1/2 your speed and you have to pass him every other lap.

13.
"Ready to Swim from the Locker Room Guy" He walks from the lockers all the way to the pool with his cap, goggles, and fins on.

14.
"Abacus Lady" She used to put an abacus on the end of her lane, and for every lap she would pop up and slide one bead over.

15.
"I Want to Race You Guy" You know, the guy who waits til you are 500 yds into an 800 and decides to push off the wall with you, swim well-above his normal pace for 35 yards, and then can't hang? This guy also sometimes shows up mid-lap when you are about to pass him (for the 100th time) and decides that he doesn't want you to pass this time. And even though you've clearly caught up to him, he still thinks he's faster...

16.
"Freaky Flip Turn Guy/Gal" Think of an open turn but keep your face in the water the whole time.

17.
"Saggy Swim Suit Guy/Gal" Chlorine destroys Lycra; some folks just don't seem to notice (or care).

18.
"Lane Hog Guy" Not sure if he's legally blind or if he just tries to be annoying, or maybe he just likes to grope the ladies. But no matter where you are in the lane he will run into you at least 10 times in the span of the hour. Especially if you are between sets and sitting at the end of the lane.

19.
"Strange Bikini Woman" This woman shows up in a tiny bikini and huge fins. She then swims a strange dog paddling stroke on her side for hours.

20.
"Muscly Old Guy" does a crap load of ridiculously slow breaststroke laps in his underwear. Cotton, nonetheless. The pool people never say anything.

21.
"2 Guys Who Talk Way More Than They Swim" obvious.

22.
"See You in the Shower Guy" Thought he was just a friendly talkative dude. He finishes his swim 10 - 30 minutes before me each morning, depending on my distance. When I head into the locker room to shower he pops out of the sauna, takes the shower next to me and strips off his speedo while beginning a conversation. I now shower in my jammers, in less than 15 seconds.

23.
"Naked Shaving Humming Guy" Again, I try to spend as little time in the changing room/ bathroom as possible.

24.
"Angry Dad" He brings his two kids (about 8 and 10 years old) to the pool religiously every day. They seem to be good swimmers for their age, but they clearly have no desire whatsoever to be in the water. Angry Dad seems to be living vicariously through the kids. They do their workout, and he yells at them the whole time. "That was AWFUL!! What were you thinking? I WILL get in that pool with you and show you how it's done!!!" (So far, no one has ever actually seen Angry Dad get in the pool.) Of course, each of the kids requires his own lane -- they can't share with each other, despite the fact that the pool only has 4 lanes for lap swimming. And God forbid that someone should ask to share a lane with one of them. Oh, and one more thing... Angry Dad always wears weight lifting gloves to the pool -- WTF?

25.
"Fabio" He's one of the more entertaining characters at the pool. When the outdoor pool is open in the summer, Fabio shows up wearing a brightly colored speedo, and he arranges himself oh-so-carefully by the side of the pool. Every 5 or 10 minutes, he sits up to slather on a little more suntan oil, and then on-so-carefully rearranges himself on his beach towel. Of course, he never actually gets in the pool, because that might mess up his hair.

26.
"Really, Really Fat Guy in a Tiny Little Speedo"....arrgghhhh, my eyes, it burns, it burns!! Lycra and spandex are a privilege, not a right.

27.
"The Gambler" This lady brought a stack of poker chips to the pool as a counting accessory. Every time she finished a 50, she would move a chip from one stack to the other. Kind of cute, actually. She was very nice and didn't mind sharing a lane, so I did my best not to splash her.

28.
"Everything But Swim Guy" Again, Obvious.

29.
"Pull Buoy Guy" There is a swimmer at my local university pool who swims for one hour, every day. He uses a pull buoy every day, every swim, every lap.

30.
"Competitive Guy" I frequently end up splitting a lane with this guy. I am only slightly faster than he is (neither of us break any pool records) and he always swims at an even pace for his entire session *except* when I begin to pass him, at which point he speeds up and forces me to either a) Slow down or b) Speed up so that we don't wind up swimming next to one another for the rest of the set.

and related to "Competitive Guy" is ...

31.
"Race You for 50 Yards Guy"...he waits at the end of the pool for you to get there, then takes a huge push and races for 50 yards while you are in the middle of a 1500 or 2000 main set.

32.
"Whale Blow Hole Guy" Decent swimmer, but about every 5 minutes he'd do some weird reverse butterfly stroke (On his back), come up for air and blow water out of just about every orifice on his face.

33.
"Calisthenics on the Deck Meathead Guy." Wearing the aforementioned board shorts with no goggles, this creature will saunter down to the pool area with notebook and gallon jug of water in tow. He enters the water with purpose and gives the water a look like he's gonna kick its ass. After his push off the wall, he seemingly disappears amid the flurry of waves, only to reappear with arms and legs flailing about midway down the pool. Eventually he makes it to the other end and pauses for a brief stop. Round two is on, and our mighty challenger conquers the water again as he makes it back to his starting point. No rest for the weary, however, as it is off to sets of push ups and sit ups on the deck. It is cardio day, after all, and you don't want that heart rate to drop. He decides to give the water a good thrashing for maybe two to four more laps before the obligatory twenty minutes of cardio is reached. A quick dry from the towel, a swig from the gallon jug, and maybe a flex for little miss lifeguard, and our hero departs having brought the water to submission.

34.
"Manta Ray Guy" Dressed from head to toe in black lycra and a black swim cap with a seal mask. In addition to its attire the manta is distinguished from other pool species by its preference to swimming underwater breast stroke for three strokes, coming up for air and going back under for more breast stroke.

35.
"Super Splashy Guy" He hops in the pool and begins the following workout:
Warmup: 4x50 ALL OUT on 2 minute rest; Main Set: 4x50 ALL OUT on 2 minute rest; Cooldown: 2x50 ALL OUT on 2 minute rest; 1x10minute stare at sunbathing girls. His splashing makes my lane an open water-style blender. Despite the fact that, I'm, you know, three lanes over.

Then there's the always entertaining ...
36.
"Wardrobe Malfunction Girl" Always trying to swim in a bikini too small for lap swimming. Use your imagination ... I like "Wardrobe Malfunction Girl!"

37.
"Super-Hot Competitive Collegiate Level Swimming Girls" Always swim twice as fast and twice as far as you. Lucky for me, I can usually hang on to them. Usually.

38.
"Yes I Am a Triathlete, Thanks for Asking Guy" This guy always wears one of his event swim caps (longer race equals better, extra points for wearing an IM cap), has his HR monitor and strap in place and spends the entire workout setting the interval timer on the watch. Freestyle only.

39.
"Too Good to be on the Swim Team Family" Kids are too good for the swim team or parents think they're better than the swim team coach. So they get a lane and have "swim team practice". I just saw them for the first time two days ago. Lame.

And finally, my last encounter ...
40.
"Annoying, Float Under my Lane and Watch Me Swim 13-year-old Girl" I think she might have been a bit "Off," but she would float under my lane as I swam and watch me for at least 20 minutes. Then she started jumping in my lane and trying to miss me by as little as possible. Parents? Lifeguards? Apparently she was alone, unsupervised because I finally had to pull the "Mean-guy" card and ask her to get out of my lane. She booked out of there...

So, there are a plethora of "types" at public swimming holes. Next time you go, look for them. I guarantee you'll see one, two, or more.

If you don't, you might want to ponder which one you are ...

Swim well,
E



I am a strange denizen of the pool, for sure! I'm a weird mix of "Equipment guy," "First in the water guy," and "Pull buoy guy." Which one/s are you?

Todays workout:
01:00 swim (about 2000m)

There is no easy way. Just do it. Never give up!
E